The Forums of Glennain

Most of us, when we think of a "pope", imagine a wise old man of deep spirituality, highly educated, and eminently suited to lead the largest Christian denomination in the world.

But there are a handful of men in the world who, when they imagine an ideal pope, simply look in the mirror, satisfied beyond all doubt that the College of Cardinals have picked the wrong bloke.

So what to do when the Holy Spirit has failed to recognize your talents and has chosen someone else to warm the Chair of St. Peter? There are a few options...

1. Declare the old man in Rome a heretic, deny the authenticity of his claim and have your mom and dad elect you pope.

2. Declare the old man in Rome a heretic, have yourself consecrated a bishop by other bishops who have declared the old man in Rome a heretic, then have those bishops elect you pope.

3. Following the death of a pope, declare to anyone who will listen that Jesus Christ has appeared to you with a papal tiara in his hands and has personally crowned you pope in your living room.

Sound crazy? Good. Of course it's crazy; I'd worry about you if you had said 'no'. Crazy though it all may be, all three of the above alternatives to election to the See of Rome by the College of Cardinals have been employed by a surprising number of individuals, mostly in the wake of the Catholic Church's liturgical reforms in the 1960s.

It seems that when the Church modernized her liturgy after the Second Vatican Council, many Catholics found it difficult to cope with something that the nuns taught them "could never change". And some just went completely bonkers.

Take David Bawden of rural Kansas, for example. His parents raised him to believe that the See of Peter was vacant and that Pope John Paul II was no pope at all, just a 'modernist' interloper elected by heretical cardinals. After thinking it over a bit and doing about 10 minutes worth of research, young David, a seminary drop-out like me, concluded--Heaven knoweth how--that he was the only man left in the world qualified to reign over the Roman Catholic Church as Supreme Pontiff.

His parents agreed, and so did a handful of their closest whackadoo friends. So in 1990, Mom and Dad closed up their five and dime one afternoon and invited their friends over to have a little old conclave behind closed venetian blinds. Miraculously, they all chose David, who, upon election, took the name "Pope Michael I" (after the Archangel) and was seated upon a makeshift papal throne in Mom and Pop's basement (where he lived...and still lives).

Mom made him some white robes and a little white beanie and now he spends his days ruling the world's 1.5 bajillion Roman Catholics via his PC, by means of this website:

http://popemichael.homestead.com/

Or how about the case of one Father Lucian Pulvermacher who, like Mike, also concluded that Pope John Paul II was a heretic and therefore a false pope (along with his predecessors going back to Pius XII). He, too, was persuaded that God was calling him to rescue the Petrine Throne from vacancy and so, when some friends of his got together to elect him to the papacy, he 'humbly' submitted himself to the will of the Lord, taking unto himself the name "Pius XIII". He rules the "True Catholic Church" from his trailer park in Spokane via this website:

http://www.truecarpentry.org/tccwww/cath.../index.htm

Although there are, apparently, many more modern day antipopes, the one who absolutely took the cake (or pie) died in the same year as his arch-nemesis...you guessed it...the heretical "false pope" John Paul II (boy, they didn't like him).

Clemente Dominguez y Gomez of Seville, Spain was a happy young party boy and frequenter of Seville's gay nightclub circuit until one day, in '69 (imagine that), when our hero came across a group of young girls in the village of El Palmar de Troya who claimed to be receiving visions and messages from Mary, the Mother of God.

Clemente was very impressed by the girls' piety and sanctity...and by all the attention they were getting! So he decided that he'd be having all the visions from now on, sent the little girls home, and cut his hands to make it look like he was experiencing the stigmata. The great unwashed of Seville, apparently not very bright, went along with the charade and threw their money at him.

As a matter of course, the Virgin Mary told this seminary flunk-out to get himself ordained a bishop, which he did at the hands of a Vietnamese archbishop who had lost his marbles and was handing out ordinations like candy left and right. Soon thereafter, "Bishop" Clemente was blinded in a car accident.

Motivated by this Divine punishment to add insult to injury, upon the death of Pope Paul VI in 1978, Dominguez announed that Christ had appeared to him and had "mystically" crowned him Pope, commanding him to establish a new Holy See at El Palmar de Troya. A few batty old Spanish aristocrats left their fortunes to "Pope Gregory XVII", who immediately took to obeying the Lord's command and used the old ladies' dough to build a gigantic papal basilica there, in the middle of nowhere...

http://www.panoramio.com/photo/4995582

Not at all content to reign from a website like Pius and Mike (the Palmarian Pontiff has forbidden the use of the internet to his followers), His Holiness "Pope-Emperor" Gregory reigned in absolute splendour, donning the papal tiara and having himself borne about town in a gilded sedia gestatoria (portable throne) carried by his many cardinals and bishops. The "visions" continued throught Gregory's life and pontificate. He would often stop in mid-procession, getting down on his knees to acknowledge sudden surprise appearances of the Redeemer...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pGUQqNgffUM

You'll notice that the papal raiment and the vesture of his prelates in attendance is about twice as elaborate as that of the actual pope, as if it were possible, and so "Pope Gregory" gets the "Best-Dressed" award, hands down, perhaps compensating in some way for the "Most Irreparably Deranged" prize he also wins. If you find yourself with too much time on your hands and need a good laugh, be sure to take a look at this "Apostolic Decree" concerning singing in church and sacred vestments:

http://www.geocities.com/palmardetroyaar.../Doc49.htm

Notice how many times the phrase "under pain of excommunication" is used. One could make a drinking game out of it.

Upon his death at age 58 in 2005, Gregory was succeeded by his hand-picked successor, "Cardinal" Manual Alonso Corral, who assumed the name "Peter II". Ooooooh. Scary. Arguably as looney as his predecessor, "Pope Peter" is also fabulously arrayed, donning his own papal tiara...

http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=h...G%26um%3D1

Fortunately, it seems that some of the followers of this strange ranger and his merry band of bishops have managed to get their heads screwed back on and have begun to launch an anti-Palmarian Cult movement. One activist dissenter has taken to YouTube to compare the Palmarian Pontiff to other deranged leaders like Jim Jones, David Koresh, and Adolf Hitler. Take a look at these videos, for example:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y70SDAJ8q...re=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=53YzvWz8U...re=related

These videos feature some interesting clips of the Palmarian cult leader being carried about on his throne while sporting the papal tiara...like the good ol' days.

But pretty vestments don't hide the crazy, I'm afraid. The Vatican really should post a sign in St. Peter's Square cautioning "Kids: Don't Try This at Home."

Here's something fun: a list of rules that Palmarian "Catholics" have to follow:

1. Women may not wear trousers.
2. Shorts are banned.
3. It is forbidden to wear any shirt or similar garment with short sleeves.
4. Sleeves can only be rolled up for the duration of any work such as washing dishes etc.
5. Females must wear skirts no shorter than two fingers width below the knee.
6. Tights are banned as they are classed as men's attire (???). Female teens and adults may only wear stockings, female children only socks.
7. Female babies cannot wear all in one baby suits.
8. Shirts and blouses must be buttoned to the neck.
9. You cannot play any sport that requires you to wear short sleeves or shorts.
10. Visiting beaches is banned.
11. All voting banned. e.g. Local and general elections, referendums etc.
12. Visiting and using swimming pools is banned.
13. Visiting night clubs is banned.
14. Denim cloth is banned, therefore wearing jeans is banned.
15. Listening to popular / modern music is banned.
16. Watching boxing matches is banned.
17. Attending non-Palmarian religious services such as weddings, funerals, christenings etc is banned, for all non-Palmarians, even family.
18. Males are banned from dying or bleaching hair.
19. Males cannot wear ear jewelry or other face jewelry.
20. Receiving organ transplants is banned.
21. Leaving or providing organs for transplant is banned.
22. All contraception is banned.
23. Discos are banned.
24. Later introduced in addition to rule 16, all functions associated with non-Palmarian religious services such as wedding breakfasts, evening functions, i.e. social functions before or after, christenings, weddings, funerals etc are banned.
25. Later above rule no. 5 was changed to increase the length of skirts below the knee from 2 to 4 or 5 fingers width.
26. Children must be told Christmas presents are from parents and not Santa Claus as he doesn’t exist.
27. New Bible introduced, any copies of any other bibles must be burnt. This bible was authored in Spain and has many changes in comparison to the standard bible.
28. TV programs that have people or cartoon characters outside the Palmarian dress code may not be watched. In effect this is most television, it would encompass news, documentaries, etc. etc.
29. No social contact with any persons not dressed to the Palmarian dress code. This in effect means virtually all non-Palmarians.
30. Nobody allowed in the home if not dressed to Palmarian dress code except workmen.
31. At work, contact with non-Palmarian co-workers must be kept to a minimum, i.e. only talk to them when necessary to carry out the job and no social chat.
32. Only religious books approved by Palmar are allowed all others banned and must be burnt. This in effect means virtually any non Palmarian authored book is banned.
33. Any photos/images with priests who have left the order must be burn/destroyed.
34. Religious films are banned.
35. All prayers and hymns not contained in the Palmarian missal are banned.
36. Birthday candles on birthday cakes are banned.
37. Contact with anyone including relatives who are living with partners and not married is banned. This would include all marriages outside the Palmarian Church since the early 1980's as these marriages are considered invalid.
38. Throwing coins in a fountain/well/water is banned.
39. Children must be removed to another room from their classes where non-Palmarian religious instruction is given.
40. Horoscopes are banned.
41. Movies containing references to magic are banned.
42. The neckline of a shirt or blouse etc must when worn be at least 2 fingers width above the breast bone.
43. Christmas trees are banned.
44. Images of Santa Claus are banned.
45. Giving or opening presents on Christmas day (25th December) is banned.
46. Christmas presents must be given and opened on the feast of the Epiphany.

So in other words, one can still watch "South Park".

Sounds like a blast. Sign me up!

How does one last for more than 10 minutes in a religion like this?