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A FIELD GUIDE TO THE GODS BY DARKMIST42

Lutheran and Episcopal: Theologically, these guys are rather similar. These denominations contain a fairly large number of liberal congregations. Basically, they are sub-classes of the Universalist God -- who punishes only reluctantly, if at all. That doesn't mean that their "characters" aren't somewhat different.

I was raised in the Lutheran Church.

The Lutheran God

He is Scandinavian -- tall, gaunt, white hair, pale skin, gray eyes. In dark clothes, he stands on a lone, cold, wind swept cliff, under a gray sky gazing out over an empty gray sea.

He looks like Max Von Sydow. I know that Von Sydow is an atheist but so is the Lutheran God.

He has all the existential anxiety of ancient Odin. He knows he's not the God we'd like him to be -- that God doesn't exist -- but he's too proud to waste words explaining himself or apologizing.

It makes him rather sad that we think God should be something else, but he's resigned himself to the situation.

I currently attend Episcopal and Unitarian churches.

The Episcopal God

The Episcopal God is a merciful and majestic king who keeps a sunlit garden with song birds and beautiful flowers. He has an enormous and reverent court of angels and saints to keep him company. Everything is very well ordered.

His anger is pronounced "wroth". He lectures us constantly in Shakespearean English on how to be better people and on the necessity of maintaining certain standards. He wants his earthly kingdom to flourish in earthly ways -- art, science, social justice. His creation and sustenance of humanity is an incredible act of noblesse oblige.

He is supremely confident and his commands are obeyed instantly.

The Unitarian God

I'd like to do the Unitarian God but that would be difficult because they actively encourage people to imagine God in varied different ways and to draw on different traditions. Many don't believe in a personal God or in any God at all.

I think the Lutheran type God is popular with them -- or has been in ages past -- but he's not Scandinavian to the Unitarians, he's a New England Sea Captain.

The cliffs are a bit more pleasant, the sea is quieter and there are ships on it.

He's reading Emerson.

During an ecumenical gathering, someone rushed in shouting, "The building is on fire!"
The Methodists at once gathered in a corner and prayed.
The Baptists cried, "Everyone into the water."
The Lutherans posted a notice on the door declaring fire was evil, because it was the natural abode of the devil.
The Congregationalists shouted, "Everyone for themselves!"
The Seventh-Day Adventists proclaimed, "It's the vengeance of an angry God!"
The Christian Scientists agreed among themselves that there really was not a fire.
The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson, who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and make a written report to the next session.
The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out in good order.
The Unitarian-Universalists concluded that the fire had as much right to be there as anyone else.
The Catholics passed a collection plate to cover the damages.

From Steve Allen (p. 133-4, "Holy Humor")

FROM THE MOROVIAN TELEGRAPH< SUNDAY< AUGUST 21, 2004

The King's Fool: Galilean Disciples for Truth

Late last night, evening Bible study complete and the TV on, I fell asleep in my armchair.

[Matthew] Ladies and Gentlemen, before we begin taking questions we'd like to issue a brief statement.

Galilean Disciples for Truth is a group of former disciples and Galilean fishing boat captains who believe Jesus of Nazareth is not being honest about his so-called ministry to the poor, the sick and the possessed in Galilee. He is lying about his record.

[Thomas] I served with Jesus of Nazareth and I didn't witness any miracles. And when I heard he had been raised from the dead, well, let's just say I had my doubts.

[Simon Peter] Witness any miracles in Galilee? Heck, I've lived in Galilee all my life and I never even heard of him. I said as much to that guard who was questioning...

[Matthew] Er, thank you, Peter. Speaking of questions, do we have any questions from the reporters?

[Reporter 1] Dan Rather, CBS News. How is it, Matthew, that it has taken almost 2,000 years for you folks to set the record straight? Especially as your revised account seems to contradict official church records and your own previous testimony given in support of Jesus?

[voice from the back...] Actually, I tried to keep this Christ thing from getting out of hand from the beginning, when I...

[Matthew] SHUT UP, Judas...

[Reporter 2] Tom Brokaw, NBC News. Matthew, your own gospel testifies that Jesus fed the poor, healed the sick, cast out demons and rose from the dead. How do you square that with what you're saying now?

[Matthew] What you have to understand, Tom, is that first century Palestine was a chaotic, violent place. Our lives were constantly in danger. It was typical, in that situation, to have one of our scribes write the reports.

[Reporter 2] But your name is on it. You signed it.

[Matthew] Like I said, we were very busy, what with fleeing for our lives and all. So I pretty much signed off on whatever was put in front of me. Personally, I think Jesus was responsible for the language describing his so-called ministry. I think he wrote it himself.

[Reporter 2] After he was dead?!

[Matthew] Next question, please?

[Luke] If I may, Matthew, let's nip this in the bud. I treated Jesus after his alleged crucifixion. It was nothing... four nail holes. Big deal. They weren't even really big nails. Oh, and some splinters in his back. Big whoop. I told him to stop being such a baby and sent him off to minister to some homeless widow or something.

[Reporter 3] Robert Siegel, NPR. Your written statement indicates that you are a completely non-partisan group?

[Matthew] That's correct, Robert, our only interest is in the truth.

[Reporter 3] That being the case, Matthew, how do you explain the fact that most of the funding for this group is coming directly from Satan, Diabolical Lord of Darkness himself?

[Matthew] I'm not sure what your point is... Look, isn't it obvious that we're having a hard enough time with the truth here, without you guys bringing up extraneous issues like funding from Hell?

And then I woke up screaming...

No more anchovy pizza for me before bed.

W.F. Beck
Contributor,
The Morovian Telegraph